I Have A Secret
by ShrinkingViolet713
Summary: All her life, Olivia Benson has had to keep secrets.  But this one will change everyone.
1. Chapter 1

_It seems like my entire life has been filled with secrets. I couldn't tell people why I only had a mother, I couldn't tell you that I was in love with you. Then there was that night. Two months, one week, and five days ago. It was an unusually tough case, we were all on edge. Priester had taken that little girl from the carnival and we knew we had to work fast. We worked for three days with almost no sleep and were all about to crack when that shopkeeper saw them come in and recognized Cindy from her picture on the news. _

_We went back to my place after leaving the station, neither of us wanting to be alone. We made sandwiches and had a few beers. I knew you were upset, how could you not be? Cindy looked almost exactly like Liz did when she was little. You were venting, then sank into the couch, head buried in your hands. I sat next to you and reached over, not wanting to scare you off, but wanting to offer comfort. When my hand touched your back you looked up at me and you looked so lost, I couldn't help myself. I leaned forward and brushed a kiss over your forehead, then your cheek. You turned your head, caught my lips with yours. Your hands reached up, one sliding into my hair and the other cupping my cheek. I kissed you back, all of my feelings from the last 7 years spilling out. _

_We made love on the couch, neither of us worrying about protection. It was perfect, hot and angry, slow and comforting. Sometime during the night we moved to my bedroom and made love again. We didn't talk about it, somehow we both knew it was right. Kathy had moved out a few months before and you'd be divorced within a month. We knew that to continue, something we both wanted, we'd have to keep it a secret. Yet another one for me to keep. _

_And now I have another one. I was going to tell you, I swear I was. The day you…that day, I asked if we could talk. Stupid question, in the seven weeks we'd been together, we'd talked about everything. But then Billings pulled the gun. My heart stopped when I heard the shot and saw you fall. The next week is a blur. I spent every night at the hospital, every day there too. The third day, Cragen threatened me with subordination if I didn't go home, shower, and get some sleep. I didn't care, I would have been written up, if Fin and Munch hadn't physically taken me home. I know that I cried more in that week than I had in my whole life. I didn't sleep, I hardly ate. Cragen put me on leave at work after the first week, realizing that I would only hurt things at that point. Finally he must have called Casey, I don't know who else would have. She showed up at the hospital, after I'd been there for two weeks._

Casey walked into hospital, knowing the way to Elliot's room by heart. She entered the room and bit her lip, instinctively holding in the sob that threatened to escape. Elliot lay on the bed, looking for all the world like he was asleep. Or dead, a thought which made tears well in her eyes, only to be quickly blinked back. Her eyes immediately found the person she was there to see, the only one of her friends who she could help. Olivia sat by the bed, holding her partner's hand and staring straight ahead. She hadn't moved, not even a twitch when Casey entered the room, something the old Olivia Benson never would have done. Casey approached slowly as Olivia's back was to her and sighed, taking in the appearance of her friend. Dark circles stood out dramatically against the unnaturally pale skin of her face. Her hair, in need of root touch up, was so oily that Casey was willing to bet that Olivia hadn't showered since the last time Cragen had ordered her home. She'd lost weight that she hadn't needed to lose but the most frightening thing about Olivia's appearance was the fact that when Casey made it around the bed to look her friend in the face, there was still no response. It was as if Olivia Benson had simply checked out.

"Liv," Casey whispered, but as soft as her voice was it sounded like a shout in the room, which was silent save for the steady beep of the heart monitor. When Olivia didn't answer, or even blink, Casey sat down in the chair across from her. She reached out a hand which gently covered Olivia's. "Olivia," she said softly.

Deep brown eyes rose slowly to meet green and Casey could feel Olivia's pain wash over her. Olivia blinked but didn't say anything. After several minutes, Casey squeezed her hand gently. "When was the last time you went home, sweetie?"

Olivia's eyes remained blank for a second before confusion darkened them. "I…two days ago? Three?"

"When was the last time you slept?" Casey continued softly.

"Yesterday, maybe," Olivia whispered.

"How's he doing today?"

"Same."

Casey waited a few more minutes before trying again. "Olivia? Come on, let's go home, get you cleaned up, let you get some sleep. Maybe eat something."

Olivia shook her head. "I can't. He might wake up. I have to tell him."

"Tell him what, Liv?"

"I have to tell him," she whispered before redirecting her attention back to Elliot's body.

Casey sighed, formulating a plan. She stood up slowly and walked back around the bed. Gently she draped her black sweater over Olivia's shoulders. "Olivia," she said softly, crouching next to the chair. "You have to take care of yourself, Liv. You're running yourself into the ground and doing that isn't going to help him. You need to take care of yourself so you can help take care of him." When that didn't get a response Casey reached a gentle hand up to rest on Olivia's knee. "If he saw how you looked right now, what you're doing to yourself, he would be so worried, Olivia. You know he wouldn't want this."

"I don't want to go home," Olivia answered. Casey briefly considered beating her head against the chair, it might have been more productive. "I can't go back there without him."

Casey sighed, feeling her chest squeeze with unshed tears. "We'll go to my apartment. Just for a little bit."

Olivia paused, then nodded in a movement so slight that for a second Casey thought she'd imagined it. Olivia leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss over Elliot's forehead. "I love you," she whispered. They were words she hadn't had the courage to say before but now she said them all the time to him.

Casey stood and helped Olivia stand. She gently turned Olivia towards the door and with an arm around her shoulders, partly to comfort and partly to help hold her up, Casey led Olivia onto the street. Hailing a cab took less time that usual, something Casey was thankful for because Olivia was already starting to sway. They arrived at the apartment and Casey led her, like a child, up the elevator and into the apartment. She led Olivia into the bathroom, sat her on the lid of the toilet, and, after grabbing a clean pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, turned the shower on. She laid the pajamas on the sink, under a clean towel, and crouched in front of her friend.

"Olivia, I'm going to make you something to eat while you take a shower, okay?" Olivia nodded and Casey smiled.

After leaving the bathroom Casey went into her kitchen and began making comfort food. She debated giving Olivia a soda, she was sure that she could use the sugar, but decided that milk was probably a better option. After awhile, Casey realized that the shower had stopped several minutes before but Olivia hadn't come out yet. She drew a deep breath and knocked gently on the door.

"Olivia? Are you okay?"

The only sound from inside the bathroom was a quiet sob. Casey bit her lip and pushed the door open. What she found almost broke her heart. Olivia was dressed in the borrowed pajamas, kneeling on the floor, sobbing.

"Oh, Liv," Casey whispered. She walked into the bathroom and knelt on the floor, wrapping her arms around Olivia. They sat like that for several minutes, until Olivia's tears slowed and she sat up. Casey helped her stand. "I made lunch," she whispered.

Olivia nodded, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," Casey answered softly. "Do you feel up to eating?"

Olivia was about to say no when her mind flashed to the baby she carried, Elliot's baby, which she hadn't been taking care of as well as she should have the past two weeks. "I'll try," was all she could promise.

Casey helped her to her feet and helped her slowly to the couch. She left Olivia only for a moment, to grab lunch and bring it into the living room. She set the tray down in front of Olivia and smiled hopefully as Olivia looked at the tray in confusion. "It's comfort food. Chicken and stars soup, PB&J, an apple, and milk," Casey smiled. "You don't have to eat it all, but eat a little please."

Olivia nodded and took a small spoonful of soup. She was surprised how good it tasted and turned her attention to the sandwich. She couldn't remember the last time that she'd eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but she ate it anyway. She yawned then, suddenly exhausted, and glanced at Casey.

"Aren't you going to eat, Case?"

Casey chuckled. "Honey, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I ate lunch at noon." She waited until Olivia had finished the apple and milk before trying the next phase of her plan. "Why don't you see if you can sleep for a little bit?"

"Casey?"

"Hm?"

"What's the date?"

"Um…" Casey glanced at her watch. "It's the 24th."

"Shit," Olivia's heart all but dropped. She was supposed to have a doctor's appointment at noon. "Can I use your phone?"

Casey blinked. "Uh, sure, I guess. Calling Don?"

"Uh, not exactly." Olivia took the cordless phone and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She called her doctor's office and was relieved that they'd be able to squeeze her in the next day. She walked back into the living room and found that Casey had already cleaned up from lunch. She sat down on the couch and let her head drop back, one hand resting unconsciously on her stomach.

Casey stepped out of the bedroom and felt her heart ache for her friend. She didn't miss where Olivia's hand was resting but figured she had bigger problems right then. "Liv? Honey, come on, let's get you tucked in."

For a second, Casey thought that Olivia either hadn't heard her, or that she'd fallen asleep already. But Olivia slowly shifted so she was laying on the couch. Casey considered letting her just sleep there, at this point any sleep was better than no sleep. But to her knowledge, the only sleep that Olivia had gotten in the past ten days was either sitting up in the hospital, a position not exactly conducive to a good night's sleep, or the night the previous week when Cragen had forced sleep upon her.

"Come on Olivia, I turned down my bed, you need some real sleep."

Olivia sighed, exhausted, and stood. She let Casey lead her into the bedroom and tuck her into bed as if she was a child.

Casey made sure the covers were tucked snuggly around Olivia's shoulders and brushed a gentle kiss over her forehead. "Get some sleep, Liv."

"What if he wakes up?" Olivia whispered.

"They'll call me, I'll wake you. I promise."

Olivia nodded, closing her eyes. Casey waited several minutes before tiptoeing out of the bedroom, leaving the door cracked behind her in case Olivia needed something. Once she was out in the living room, Casey sank onto the sofa and dug her cell phone out of the pocket of her slacks.

"Cragen," the exhausted voice answered.

"Hey Don, it's Casey."

"You get her home?"

"Sort of. She didn't want to go back to her place, so I brought her to mine. She ate lunch and she's sleeping now."

"How's she doing?"

"She looks horrible, Don. I don't think she's slept in days. This isn't healthy for her."

On his end, Don ran a tired hand over his face. "I'm thinking of asking Huang to talk to her."

"Don," Casey objected.

"They were involved, weren't they?"

"I don't know," Casey answered honestly. "But my gut says yes."

"When do you have to be back at work?"

"I took today and tomorrow."

"You'll let me know if she needs anything?"

"Of course."

Casey hung up the phone and began puttering around the house. She wasn't home enough for it to have accumulated any kind of mess and she didn't want to vacuum and risk waking Olivia. Instead, she dusted, straightened some knick-knacks, then settled onto the couch with a book, one ear constantly tuned into any noise which might come from her bedroom. As darkness enveloped the apartment, Casey turned on a lamp on her end table and tiptoed into the bedroom. Olivia was sleeping but fitfully. Casey tucked the blankets more securely around her friend's shoulders and the light touch had Olivia's eyes flying open.

"Did he wake up?" she asked, sitting up quickly.

Casey sighed. "I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia seemed to deflate, sinking back against the headboard. "I don't understand it, Casey."

"What?" the younger woman asked, shifting so she was sitting on the bed next to her friend.

"The doctor said that he should be waking up. He's breathing on his own. Why isn't he waking up?"

Casey sighed, reaching over to link fingers with Olivia. "I don't know sweetie. Elliot will wake up when he's ready. That's all I can think. That for some reason, right now, he needs to be out."

Olivia rested her head gently on Casey's shoulder. "I hate waiting, not knowing."

"I know, Liv."


	2. Chapter 2

_I stayed with Casey that night, she wouldn't let me go back to the hospital, even threatened to call Don if I didn't eat dinner then go back to bed. I wasn't hungry but, for the baby, I managed to get some chicken and broccoli down me. The next morning, Casey accompanied me back to the hospital. She said that she'd stay with me during the day and that I'd come home with her that night. When we walked up to the ICU, all I could think of was how guilty I felt for leaving, even for a few hours. But when I walked into your room, you already had company. Liz, Dickie, and Katie stood around your bed, talking to you softly, telling you that they loved you and they wanted you to wake up, telling you what was going on in their lives. A hand landed on my arm and I jumped about a foot. I turned and saw Kathy's big hazel eyes staring at me. She reached out and hugged me, a gesture I returned automatically. _

"How are you holding up?" Kathy asked gently. But she hadn't needed to ask. Twenty years of being a nurse told her that Olivia was on the edge of a complete physical and mental break.

"Okay," she whispered her answer.

Kathy pursed her lips. "Can we talk outside?"

Olivia nodded, following Elliot's ex-wife, a woman she'd been miserably envious of for years, a woman whose strength she now admired. "What's up?" she asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

Kathy took a deep breath. "We'd like you to come to dinner at the house."

Olivia's brow furrowed. "What?" Surely she'd heard Kathy wrong. In all the years she'd been partnered with Elliot, she could count the number of times she'd eaten dinner at the Stabler house on one hand.

Kathy paused, slightly unsure of how to continue. "This, Elliot's coma, has been hard on the kids. They need a connection to him."

"That's me?" Olivia asked dubiously.

Kathy nodded. "To them, you are intertwined with their father." She skipped a beat. "I think it might help you too."

Olivia closed her eyes briefly but before she did, Kathy thought she saw a sheen of tears over them. "He loved them so much. With everything in him." She nodded and Kathy let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding.

"Tonight?"

"I…I was going to stay with Casey tonight…"

"She can come too." Kathy reached over and squeezed Olivia's hand. "Thank you."

"What time?"

"We'll probably eat around 6, but you can come earlier."

Olivia just nodded and turned to walk back into the room. When she did, Kathleen turned from the bed and hugged Olivia tightly. Olivia held on briefly then pulled back and made an effort to smile.

"I keep forgetting how grown up you are. I keep expecting you to still be twelve."

Kathleen laughed at that. "Not you too! Daddy still acts like I'm five." Suddenly she stopped, the smile falling from her face as tears filled her eyes.

Olivia pulled the young woman back into her arms. "He will again, Katie. Before we know it your dad will be back on his feet, scaring your boyfriends and trying to forget that his little girl is growing up."

"I hope so," Kathleen whispered.


	3. Chapter 3

_Kathy and the kids left not long after that and I took up my usual post next to your bed, holding your hand. I brought your fingers to my lips and smiled. "Good morning, El. I'm sorry I wasn't here last night. Casey and Cragen conspired to get me home and into bed. I couldn't do it though, Elliot. I couldn't go back to the apartment. Our apartment. I know I'm going to have to, eventually. But I'm scared to go back there without you next to me. I'm going to have to leave again about 11:30. I have an appointment, but I'll be back. I promise. I'm not leaving you, no matter how long it takes for you to wake up, I'll be right here, waiting. I saw Kathy, and the kids. They were here when Casey got here. I think Casey's my designated baby-sitter now. Kathy invited me to the house for dinner. Casey and I are going tonight, I'm not sure if I can handle it alone. The kids are so beautiful, El. You did a wonderful job with them." I pressed your hand to my face, my tears falling onto our hands. "I told Kathleen that you'd wake up soon, to scare her boyfriends away. I promised her, El, so you'd better wake up soon. They need you, they need their father. I need you."_

Casey waited outside of the room, watching Olivia talk to her fallen lover. Her heart broke for them all, really. For Elliot's children, for Kathy for having to handle everything, and for Olivia, so lost without her best friend, partner, and lover, that she could barely bring herself to function. She was surprised by a voice at her shoulder.

"Are you the one who finally got her to go home last night?"

Casey turned quickly, surprised, and found herself staring up into a pair of bright green eyes. "Um, yeah."

The dark-haired doctor smiled. "Good job. I'm Elliot's doctor, Dr. Kelly."

"How's he looking?" Casey asked, glancing back into the room.

"About the same. He's breathing on his own which is a good sign. We're not sure why he's not waking up, there's no medical reason for it. Honestly though? I'm more worried about her right now. We've been bringing her a tray every meal since she's been staying here. She's not eating it though. She's exhausted, losing weight…"

Casey nodded, a determined look in her eye that the doctor couldn't help but admire. "That ends now."

Dr. Kelly smiled then. "Good. My name's Aidan."

Casey smiled, shook his hand. "Casey."

Olivia walked out of the room at 11:30 and took a deep breath. "Case, I have to run to an appointment. You can head to work, if you want."

Casey looked up from the book she'd been reading and paused, considering the look on her friend's face. "I took the day, but if you want to go alone, I can run to get us some lunch?"

Olivia smiled in thanks and headed to the sixth floor. Dr. Holman's waiting room was full of pregnant women, some of whom looked about to burst. Olivia checked in, then sat nervously. A woman two seats away from her, with dark red hair, green eyes, and a look of someone who'd been here a dozen times or more, smiled at Olivia.

"First pregnancy, honey?"

Olivia arched an eyebrow, surprised and slightly offended to be called "honey" by a woman who was about ten years her junior. "Uh, yeah."

The woman smiled reassuringly. "This is my fourth in six years."

"Um, wow."

The woman laughed, then stood up and waddled her way into the office when a nurse called her name.

Olivia glanced around and grabbed a magazine. But when the article she flipped to was a comparison of different nipple creams, she slammed it back shut and dropped it on the table, as if afraid that it might get her. When the nurse, a pleasant motherly woman in her sixties called Olivia's name, she had never been so relieved to enter an examining room. Knowing the routine, she stripped and changed into the gown, hopping on to the examining table to wait. She shivered slightly, wondering why all doctor's offices seemed to be kept one degree above freezing.

A rap on the door had Olivia snapping from her reverie. "All ready?" Dr. Holman called through the small crack in the door.

"Yep," Olivia answered, then smiled at the doctor. Dr. Holman was about her age with blonde shoulder length hair and a bedside manner which suggested that the entire process was completely normal and natural.

"How have you been doing since our last appointment?" Dr. Holman asked with a genuine smile.

Olivia tried to smile back, but found it was suddenly too hard. "Not good," she answered softly, instead.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dr. Holman offered, leaning a hip against the exam table.

"My…the father…he was shot two weeks ago." Olivia took a deep breath. "He's in ICU, in a coma. They don't know why he isn't waking up."

"Your partner," Dr. Holman said softly, resting a hand on Olivia's knee. "That's why you missed the appointment yesterday."

Olivia nodded. "I've been staying with him, I want to be there when he wakes up."

"Are you sleeping, Olivia?"

"Some. Last night, a friend came and dragged me home. Force fed me too."

"Good. You know where my office is if you need anything. Even just to talk."

"Thanks."

"Now, are you ready to see how the baby's doing?"

Olivia nodded and leaned back on the table. Dr. Holman slipped a blood pressure cuff on her right arm and began inflating it. Her brow furrowed and Olivia felt her heart rate increase. She hadn't been a cop for fifteen years without learning to read people.

"What's wrong?"

"Your BP's a little high. I'm going to assume it's because of the stress you've been under."

"So, what do I do?"

"Take it easy. Go home at night, sleep, make sure you're eating well, not the crap they serve here. And, hard as it is, I want you to try to relax."

Olivia nodded. "Anything else?"

"Well, let's see if we can hear a heartbeat today. It might still be just a little early."

Dr. Holman slid up the gown, sliding a sheet up while she did to protect Olivia's privacy. She spread gel on Olivia's stomach. "I'm sorry it's cold…"

As she moved the sensor over Olivia's stomach, Olivia stared at the monitor next to her. Dr. Holman smiled and reached over, pointing at a tiny spot on the monitor. "There we go."

"That's the baby?" Olivia asked with a small smile, eyes wide.

"Yep. See that tiny little pulsing point? That's the baby's heart."

"How big is she?"

"Right now, she's about the size of a peanut."

"Wow. Is everything okay?"

"Looks perfect. The baby's a good size for this age, heart rate is good, and the amniotic sac looks healthy."

"What's the next step?" Olivia asked as Dr. Holman wiped the gel off her stomach.

"You've lost four pounds since last month. Have you been having morning sickness?"

Olivia shook her head. "I've felt fine, physically. A little tired, but I figured that's normal."

"It is," Dr. Holman nodded. "Anything else?"

Olivia paused, then nodded. "I've been getting headaches."

"Do you think it's because of the stress from the accident or the pregnancy?"

"I don't know," Olivia sighed. "Maybe both. I didn't know what, if anything, I could take, so I didn't. They'd usually go away after I slept."

Dr. Holman pursed her lips. "Let's do this. You can take two Tylenol for the headaches. Just make sure you don't take anything with IB Profen in it. Now, I want you to start taking better care of yourself. Your body is exhausted and that's not good for the baby. I want you to go home at night. I want you to make sure that you're eating regularly. Exercise is important too, get out, go for some walks, go swimming." Dr. Holman reached out and rested a hand on her knee. "You need to take care of yourself and this baby, Olivia. If you're not going to do it for yourself, then do it for him. You told me six weeks ago that he would be happy. Would he be happy with how you're taking care of his baby?"

Tears had filled Olivia's eyes and began to roll down her cheeks as she shook her head. "No," she whispered. "If Elliot was awake he'd be furious. He'd be hovering around, making sure that I was eating and sleeping, worried about me working…"

"Do this for him, Olivia. And for you. This baby is a piece of him that you'll always have. Even if he never wakes up, you'll have this baby."

Olivia nodded. "I will," she whispered.

"I want to see you again in two weeks, to see if things are better, okay? And if you need me before then, call me."

"Okay."

"Just one more thing, I want you to start thinking about an amnio. They're recommended for any mother over 35."

"What are the risks?"

"There's a .5% chance of a miscarriage afterwards, but by having the test, we can check for birth defects like cerebral palsy, downs syndrome, and if you want, you can find out the gender."

"I'll think about it," Olivia promised, sitting up.

"Good. I'll see you in two weeks then."

Olivia nodded and when Dr. Holman left she dressed quickly. She was shaking slightly, what she'd said to the doctor was true. If Elliot was awake he would have been beyond furious at how she'd been treating herself, and by extension their baby, for the past several weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

_I took your hand in both of mine, kissed your forehead as I sat down. "I'm sorry I left, El. I had to go to an appointment. A pretty important one. I have a surprise for you. I wanted to tell you, the night…night of the accident. I'm pregnant, Elliot. I'm carrying our baby. I went to my OB today. She said that the baby's doing well. I lost weight from the last visit, that's not surprising. And my blood pressure's a little high but she thinks it's because of stress." _

_ Tears started falling down my cheeks, landing on our hands. "I'm so sorry Elliot. I haven't been taking care of this baby the way I should have, the way I want to. The way YOU'D want me to. I know you'd love this baby, you'd want this baby, even if the timing isn't what either of us planned. I'm happy about it, the baby. I love it so much, I didn't know I could love someone who's just a few centimeters big so much. But I'm scared. I'm not sure that I'll be any kind of mother. And right now, I wish so much that you were awake, that you were able to tell me what to do. Please Elliot, I need you to wake up. I need you here with me. I don't know how to do this without you. I need you. The baby needs you. Please, Elliot. Please wake up for us. I love you El. I love you so much." _

Casey arrived back in the ICU a bit later than she'd planned to. When Olivia had left for her mysterious appointment, she'd hauled ass across town to the 1-6. She'd promised to keep Cragen updated on Olivia and how she was doing. When she arrived at the station, she was immediately jumped on by both Munch and Fin, but she refused to tell them anything other than the fact that Elliot's condition hadn't changed and that Olivia seemed to be holding up alright. The second part wasn't exactly a lie, she seemed better than she had been the day before. Cragen swooped in and rescued her before the interrogation got any more intense.

She sank into the chair across from Cragen's desk with a relieved sigh. "Phew, I'm glad I'm not a suspect. Those two could rip secrets from the dead."

"That's why they're two of my best," Cragen said with a small smile. "How's she doing?"

"Rough," Casey answered honestly. "It wasn't easy getting her home last night and keeping her there. She's lost, Don. She can't face her apartment, she just looks…like she doesn't know what to do with herself now, besides sitting there, begging Elliot to wake up."

Cragen sighed, running a hand over his face. "Where is she now?"

"She had some kind of appointment so I snuck out."

"What's the plan for tonight?"

"I'll make sure she goes home and on my way back after this, I'll stop and pick up food, make her eat. I have to work tomorrow, but I'll make sure she goes home."

Cragen nodded. "I'll send lunch over tomorrow for her. Do you think she'll be alright by herself?"

Casey nodded. "She might neglect her needs right now, but she…she wouldn't do anything to seriously risk herself. She wants to be there when he wakes up."

Cragen nodded. "Thank you for keeping an eye on her Casey."

"She's a friend," Casey answered simply. "That's what friends do."

Casey stopped by Panera, grabbing soup and sandwiches for both her and Olivia before arriving at the hospital. She saw Olivia sitting in the room, holding Elliot's hand and crying. She waited until Olivia seemed to have calmed down before knocking softly on the door. Olivia didn't seem to hear her at first, then she leaned forwards, touched her lips to Elliot's gently. She wiped her fingers under her eyes, then headed towards the door.

She smiled weakly at Casey who reached out and squeezed her hand. "Do you want to eat here or head into the cafeteria?"

"I don't care," Olivia answered. Then she shook her head. "Here, it's quieter."

"Got it." Casey set them up at a small end table. "I got you turkey and broccoli cheese soup."

"Sounds great." Olivia sat down but she didn't eat. Instead, she watched as Casey dumped four packets of sugar into her ice tea, then unwrapped her sandwich.

"What?" Casey asked, looking up. "Do I have something on my face? You're staring at me."

Olivia took a deep breath. "If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it just between the two of us? At least until I tell you not to?"

"Of course," Casey answered without hesitation. "Does this have anything to do with your appointment this morning?"

Olivia nodded. "I had a doctor's appointment."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. We both are."

"Both…oh, Olivia," Casey said softly. "How far along?"

"Nine weeks." Olivia rested a hand over her stomach.

"Did you tell him?"

"Just now. I was watching his face, Casey. There was a flicker, I saw it. He heard me."

Casey smiled. "He probably did. And he's so happy, Liv." Suddenly her eyes flashed. "Wait a second. You've known all this time that you're pregnant but you've been here, all day, every day and night, not sleeping, not eating?!"

"That's stopping," Olivia answered. "This baby is a part of Elliot. Maybe what I'm doing here isn't helping him, maybe it is, I don't know. But I can help our baby."

"Good," Casey answered with a satisfied nod. She grinned then. "This might not be the best time for this to happen but I'm so happy for you, Liv." She laughed. "I'm going to have a baby to spoil!"

"Oh great," Olivia sighed laughingly. "You're going to spoil my baby?"

"Like there's no tomorrow," Casey promised. "Just think of all of the adorable little baby clothes!"

Olivia smiled and turned her attention to her lunch. When she had finished everything, the sandwich, soup, the hunk of bread which came with the soup and Casey's bread which she'd pushed at her, Olivia leaned back in the chair and sighed. "If I keep eating like this, by the time the baby comes, I'll be the size of a house."

"But the baby will be healthy," Casey pointed out.

"I know," Olivia smiled.

"So, what do you want for dinner?"

Olivia laughed. "I just ate!"

"I thought pregnant women were always supposed to be hungry," Casey teased.

"I think that comes later on. Actually, if you don't mind, Kathy invited me over for dinner tonight. I told her I had plans with you and she invited you too."

"Kathy…Stabler?"

"She said that it would be good for the kids." Olivia shrugged, still not sure that was true.

"Okay, no problem. Are you going to tell Kathy about the baby?"

"Probably not tonight. Eventually I'll have to, but for right now…I just can't."

Casey nodded. "Food for thought though Olivia. The baby you're carrying? It's also Kathy's children's half-sibling."

"I know," Olivia sighed. "Nothing's simple anymore."

"No kidding," Casey agreed.


	5. Chapter 5

"_I told Casey about the baby, Elliot. She's excited, already talking about getting to spoil the baby. I'm a little nervous about dinner at Kathy's tonight. I'm not sure what she wants me to do, how she thinks seeing me will help the kids. Casey's going with me, I'm glad I'll have someone on my side. I also have a feeling that Casey's going to be watching me like a hawk, at least until the baby comes. I miss you, Elliot. I miss you laughing at Munch and Fin, I miss you throwing wads of paper at me when I was trying to work, giving me that look across the desks that made me want to drag you into the interrogation room. I miss the way you used to get so pissed off at men who would try to hit on me. Or who would look at me wrong, call me honey or something. I miss waking up with you stroking my hair or kissing my neck. Sometimes I'd wake up and see you sleeping there, all sprawled on your side of the bed, then you'd turn over, throw one arm over me, and keep on sleeping. Believe it or not, I even miss your snoring. We're waiting for you El, all of us. Me and the baby, the kids, Don, Munch and Fin, Casey, Kathy…we're just waiting for you to wake up."_

Casey pulled her car up to Kathy Stabler's house and stopped, looking over at Olivia. "Ready?"

Olivia nodded and took a deep breath. "I don't know how this will help the kids."

Casey shrugged. "How are you feeling? Headache gone?"

Olivia had gotten a headache around two and Casey had immediately taken her home, no discussion, and ordered her to take a nap after taking the two Tylenol Dr. Holman had advised. It had worked and Olivia told Casey so now. "Let's go."

They climbed out of the car and Olivia paused, watching Liz and Dickie playing basketball. "They look so normal Case."

Suddenly Liz turned and saw the women, waving violently before racing over and throwing her arms around Olivia's waist. "Hi, Olivia!"

Olivia laughed, hugging Liz back. "Hi, sweetheart. Who's winning?"

"Dickie, but he cheats. Hi, Ms. Novak."

"It's Casey, Liz. Ms. Novak makes me feel old."

"Okay," Liz giggled. "Mom's inside if you guys want something to drink. Katie's helping her."

"Hey, Olivia!" Dickie called as they walked up the driveway. "Wanna play?"

"Maybe after dinner, I might. But right now, I think I'd better go see if I can help your mom with anything."

Dickie sighed. "Ms. Novak? Wanna play?"

"It's Casey, Dickie. And I'd love to. Horse? Or one on one?"

Olivia headed into the house, Liz's arm still wrapped tightly around her waist. "Mom!" Liz yelled as soon as they walked in the door. "Olivia and Casey are here! Casey's playing ball with Dickie."

Kathy walked out of the kitchen drying her hands on a towel and laughing at her youngest. "Thank you for the update. Go wash your hands, you can cut up fruit for a salad."

Liz sighed dramatically. "Okay." She squeezed Olivia around the waist one last time before running off to the bathroom."

Kathy shook her head and smiled. "Hi, Olivia. Thanks for coming. Is barbeque okay for dinner?"

"Sounds great, can I help?"

"Things are pretty much set. How are you doing?"

Olivia glanced around, saw the pictures of Elliot's children at various stages of growing up. "He's still the same."

"I know, I called the doctor. I meant you, Olivia. You look exhausted and you've lost weight."

"It's been hard," Olivia answered honestly. "But then you know that. The kids seem to be taking it well."

Katie came out of the kitchen. "Corn's on, Mom. Hey, Olivia." Katie hugged her tightly, then looked at Olivia with pursed lips. "You look tired."

Olivia laughed. "That appears to be the consensus. How are you doing? Graduation's coming up, isn't it?"

"Next month," Kathleen answered, but she didn't seem to want to keep talking about it. Olivia let it drop with a squeeze of her hand.

"Who's this?" Olivia asked instead when a little brown and white spotted puppy raced through the house, let in from the backyard.

Katie laughed and scooped the puppy into her arms. "This is Mitzi. She was a birthday present for Dickie and Liz. They've been whining and begging for a dog for years."

Olivia scratched the puppy's ears and smiled as it licked at her hand. "I remember. Your dad told me that they were getting one."

"Isn't she cute?" Kathleen grinned.

"Adorable," Olivia answered.

Kathy walked into the backyard and checked the pork chops. "We're ready out here!" she called. "Kathleen, put the dog down, wash your hands, and grab the potatoes." She brought the meat into the kitchen and set the plate on the table. "Liz honey, can you go ask Casey what she wants to drink? Olivia, what can I get you? Beer? Soda?"

"Um, milk, please, if you have it."

"Skim okay?"

"Great." Olivia smiled slightly.

Kathy watched Olivia out of the corner of her eye as she grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge. The few times that Olivia had joined the family for dinner, Olivia had drank either beer or a soda. She'd never seen Olivia drink milk.

After dinner, the adults sat on the back porch watching Dickie and Liz race around the yard, playing with the dog. Kathleen sat with the adults, having declared herself too old to run around like a little kid. When Kathleen went inside to do homework, Olivia glanced at Kathy. "She seems quiet."

Kathy nodded. "She's been like that. At first she was angry at everyone, me, Elliot, the doctors, the guy who did this. But now she's quiet. I think there's something bothering her, but she won't tell me what."

"Do you want me to try?" Olivia suggested gently. "Maybe she needs to talk to someone who isn't family."

"Go for it," Kathy said. "Good luck."

When Olivia made her way into the house, Casey found herself in a very awkward position. She'd met Kathy Stabler only on a few occasions before Elliot was shot and had spoken to her only in passing since then. As she watched Dickie and Liz race around the yard after the puppy, Casey said the only thing that came to her mind. "They seem to be adjusting well."

Kathy smiled ruefully. "They're doing better today. They have good days and bad. Liz is clinging though." Kathy sighed then. "Last week, she woke up screaming and sobbing four times, wouldn't sleep until I stayed with her. She's started calling me at work, just to make sure that I'm still here."

"What about Dickie?"

"He's trying to handle it like he thinks a man should, not talking about it. But his grades have fallen. He's more argumentative, here and at school. I have a conference tomorrow with his team of teachers."

Casey sighed. "Poor things. What about Kathleen and Maureen?"

Kathy laughed dryly. "Maureen's like Elliot, if she doesn't talk about something it's like it doesn't exist. She's throwing herself into her work at school, which is good for her grades, but bad for her." Tears filled her eyes but were blinked back. "She was so close with Elliot and she hasn't even been to see him since that first week. I think she's afraid to see him like that. Katie's just been…quiet. She doesn't talk about it, or anything else. She never did talk when something was bothering her, it was like pulling teeth. I just wish that she'd let me see some of what she's thinking."

"You think she'll talk to Olivia?"

"As long as she talks to someone…how's Olivia doing?"

Casey shrugged. "You saw her."

"Is she talking to anyone?"

"Besides Elliot? Probably not. She doesn't hate shrinks the same way Elliot does, but she doesn't open up either."

"Not to you?" Kathy asked, somewhat surprised.

"Not really. She's starting to. I think she's finally realizing that she's not helping Elliot any with what she was doing and that he'd be plenty pissed if he knew."

"You'll take care of her?"

"As much as she'll let me and as much as I can without her knowing."

Kathy grinned. "You're sneaky Casey. I never knew that."

"Sneaky comes with being a lawyer. Protective comes with being me."

Kathy reached over and squeezed Casey's hand. "I'm glad she has you. Elliot would hate what she's doing."

"You really think seeing her will help the kids?"

"Yeah. I also think it'll help her."

Olivia walked up the stairs and quickly found the room Kathleen shared with Liz. "Hey," she said knocking gently on the open door. "What are you studying?"

"AP US History, Vietnam War. It's horrible, I have to write a paper on this book, The Things They Carried. Really depressing."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed, sitting on the bed. "How's school going? You must be looking forward to graduation and college."

Katie shrugged, then moved to sit on the bed. "Olivia? Can I tell you something?"

"Of course you can," Olivia answered, stroking her ponytail gently. "What's on your mind?"

"Graduation. Daddy was so excited. I'm just, I don't think I can walk without him there." Tears filled her eyes. "He should be there, Olivia. I want to walk across the stage and see Daddy there watching me." She started crying, wrapping her arms tightly around Olivia. "I can't do it, but I don't know how to tell Mom. It feels so wrong to be happy and celebrating when he's just laying there. And I can't help it, I can't help laughing sometimes and sometimes I almost forget and that's horrible! My father is laying in the hospital in a coma and sometimes it feels like everything's normal and I'm going to see him again on the weekend but it's not! It's not," Kathleen trailed off, sobbing and clinging to Olivia.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia whispered. "I know Katie, I know it's hard." She held Kathleen to her and rocked gently. "But your dad wouldn't want you to stop living, honey. He loves you so much. He wouldn't want you to sit around, just waiting for him to wake up. He wants you to be young, to have fun with your friends, and to get to do all of the things girls your age are supposed to do." She paused then decided to bite the bullet and continue. "He is so proud of you for graduating. With honors, right?"

"High honors," Kathleen sniffed.

"There you go. Kathleen, whether you walk or not is your choice. But your dad is so proud of you. He was looking forward to your graduation, even though he said it made him feel old. He'd want you to walk because if he could be, your dad would be sitting right there, in the front row, cheering for you as loudly as he could. Instead of thinking of it as not doing it because of your dad, think of doing it for him. When he wakes up and finds out that you didn't walk, he'll be so so sad."

"It feels wrong to be happy, Liv."

"I know it does sweetie. He wouldn't want you to be miserable though. He loves seeing you smile and laugh."

"He wouldn't want you to stop living either Olivia."

"What?" Olivia asked, surprised, as she pulled back to look at Kathleen's face.

"You're tired, Liv. The doctor said that you've been at the hospital all day and all night. You're not working, you're not even eating. Daddy would be so angry if he knew what you were doing."

Olivia sighed, smoothing Kathleen's hair back. "I know, Katie. Your dad is the closest friend I've ever had."

"You love him," Kathleen said softly.

"Katie…"

"He loves you too."

Olivia nearly groaned. "Kathleen."

"I'm not surprised," the teenager continued. "And I know that neither of you would have done anything while he and Mom were married. But he loves you, I saw it every time he looked at you, every time you looked at him. You make him happy, Olivia."

She smiled through the tears which had filled her eyes. "He makes me happy, too."

Kathleen took a deep breath. "If…if I walk at graduation, will you come?"

"I would love to," Olivia smiled. "Are you feeling better, honey?"

"Yeah. Thanks for listening, Olivia."

"Anytime you need anything, even if you just want to go out for ice cream or need to escape for awhile, call me."

"What if you're at the hospital?"

Olivia tugged at the long blonde ponytail gently. "I'm not going to be able to spend as much time there. You're right, your dad would kill me if he knew what I was doing."

Kathleen grinned, "I know I'm right."

"Yeah, yeah, Ms. Smarty Pants," Olivia teased. "You up to coming back downstairs?"

Kathleen groaned. "Ugh, I still have to study. Stupid war."

"That is a sentiment which many, many people will agree with. It was one of the most controversial wars in American history. At least until this one. Soldiers were returning and being spit on, there were chemicals dropped on them which caused many soldiers to have life long physical and psychological issues. Students were demonstrating all across the country and those who were drafted were burning draft cards."

"It sounds pretty horrible from the book. Why were we over there, Olivia?"

"You know who you should talk to about this? Munch, he knows just about everything about history."

"He wouldn't mind?"

Olivia laughed then, almost surprised by the sound of her own laughter. "Katie, there's very little that John loves more than to get to tell his theories to someone and share his knowledge. Fin would be pretty happy too, maybe if John gets it out of his system, he'll leave Fin alone for a few days."

"I'll call him tomorrow. Thanks, Olivia."

"No problem." Olivia kissed the top of her head as she stood up. "Remember, call if you need anything."

"I will," Kathleen promised.

Olivia headed into the backyard and sat down in a lawn chair between Kathy and Casey. "How'd it go?" Kathy answered.

"She'll be okay. It's just a lot to deal with, between graduation and senior classes and Elliot. I told her to call me if she needed anything, I hope that's alright."

Kathy smiled. "Thank you. She looks up to you, Olivia."

"She's a good kid," Olivia answered, blushing.

Casey suddenly laughed as Liz, all adolescent gawkiness, tripped over Mitzi the dog, jumped to avoid landing on her, and sprawled on the ground. She stood up and limped over to the table. "You okay, Liz?" Casey asked.

"Yeah, just twisted an ankle. I can't help it, I feel like I'm falling over everything."

Casey laughed again. "I remember those days." She pointed to a spot on her arm where a long, thin scar resided. "My best friend when I was about your age was pulling me with her bike while I was on roller skates. I hit a crack in the sidewalk and ended up in a thorn bush."

"Ow," Liz groaned in sympathy. "That must have hurt."

"My pride more than anything, actually."

"I fell down a set of bleachers once freshman year of high school," Olivia remembered. "All the way down, on my butt, in a skirt. I haven't run down bleachers since."

That made everyone laugh. Liz sat down on the concrete patio, leaning against Olivia's chair. Olivia stroked her auburn hair unconsciously as she chatted with Kathy and Casey about anything and everything besides Elliot. They talked about books that they'd read recently, Casey having just finished The DaVinci Code which Kathy had read a few years before. Olivia hadn't read it yet but wanted to.

When the sun began to sink, Olivia glanced at Casey who nodded. "We'd better be heading out Kathy," Olivia said, pushing back her chair. "Thanks for dinner."

"No problem, thank you for coming." Kathy stood up also.

"We should do this again," Casey smiled.

Liz hung on tightly to Olivia. "Do you have to go home?"

Olivia chuckled. "Sorry sweetie. But I'll see you soon, I promise."

Liz sighed, but let go. She hugged Casey too. "If you come back Casey, can you teach me to roller skate behind a bike?"

"Um, no. I don't think your mom would appreciate that. But I will teach you to shoot a 25 foot jump shot."

"Okay!" Liz exclaimed.

Dickie hugged Olivia tightly, but just for a second before he raced back towards the house, Liz on his heels. As they headed back towards the city, Casey glanced at Olivia out of the corner of her eye. "Sounds like you did some good there," she smiled.

"I tried," Olivia shrugged. "I'm sorry for abandoning you. What did you and Kathy talk about?"

Casey bit her lip. She didn't want to tell Olivia the truth, that she had Kathy had been discussing her, how she looked, how she was dealing. Kathy had even mentioned her hope that Olivia would benefit from the meeting as well as the kids. "This and that, small talk. Do you want to go to your apartment tonight or stay at my place?"

"What I want is to go back to the hospital."

"Sorry, not an option. You need rest, a real bed."

"I can't face the apartment yet Case. Maybe later. I should look into a hotel."

Casey rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid Olivia. You can stay with me for as long as you want to."

"I'll take the couch then."

"Nope, my niece or nephew needs a real bed."

Olivia laughed. "The baby's the size of a peanut Casey. I don't think it cares where I sleep."

"I do," Casey answered stubbornly.

Olivia sighed, giving in at least for now. When they arrived back at Casey's apartment that night, she lent Olivia night clothes, then settled down on the couch, knees tucked under her and watched as Olivia puttered around the house. "Hey Liv?" she asked. "Are you planning on going into work tomorrow?"

Olivia arched an eyebrow. "No, I'm going to see Elliot. He'll want to know how the kids are doing. Why?"

"They're expecting me at the office tomorrow; I have a deposition and pretrial motions. I'm sorry, I just can't take another day."

"I don't expect you to baby-sit me Casey." She turned from the fridge where she'd been grabbing a bottle of water in time to see the hurt look on Casey's face which was quickly masked.

"Sorry," Casey answered stiffly.

Olivia sighed and sank onto the opposite end of the couch. "I didn't mean it that way. You know it. I just don't want you to feel like you have to put your life on hold for me."

"You're a friend, Olivia. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't care about you, if I wasn't worried."

"I know," Olivia sighed, drawing up her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs.

"Do you want me to pick you up at the hospital after work tomorrow? It might not be until six or seven…"

Olivia nodded. "I'm not ready yet Case."

"No one said you had to be. If you want me to stop by tomorrow so you don't have to, I'll pick up some clothes, any personal things you want."

"Thanks," Olivia's smile wasn't very big, but it was there. "I think I might take a trip to Hudson tomorrow sometime during the day."

"See Maureen?"

Olivia nodded. "She hasn't been by."

"How's Kathleen doing?"

"She's confused, upset. She feels guilty for getting her on with her life." Olivia snorted softly. "She's perceptive. Maybe too perceptive."

Casey's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"She said that I was telling her she should get on with her life but I wasn't."

"What did you tell her?"

"I don't even remember," Olivia sighed. "I'm not ready for teenagers."

Casey laughed loudly. "God Liv, you're only a few weeks pregnant and you're worrying about teenagers already? Unless things have changed since I took sex ed, the baby won't pop out sixteen years old."

"I know that," Olivia swatted at Casey with a pillow. I'm just thinking ahead."

"By the time you need to worry about the baby being a teenager, you'll be ready."

Olivia arched an eyebrow skeptically. "I don't think any parent who has teenagers was ever really ready for it."


End file.
